FlackBriday 2025

Briefing Armory Intel Deploy Now

⚠ THREAT LEVEL: BANKRUPTCY

Total
MAYHEM Everything Must Go!

The 2025 Financial Apocalypse Protocol is active. Abandon Dignity. Embrace The Savings.

INITIATE PANIC BUYING View Casualty Report

🚨 GRANDMA TACKLES SECURITY GUARD FOR 50% OFF BLENDER 🚨 BREAKING: LOCAL MAN CAMPING SINCE AUGUST FORGETS WHY 🚨 STORE MANAGER DECLARES MARTIAL LAW IN ELECTRONICS 🚨 "IT WAS WORTH IT" SAYS WOMAN WITH ONE SHOE

PRIORITY TARGET

REC: ON

BAT: 12%

>> ITEM_ID: 404-HOPE

The Last Air Fryer

Current Status: Contested by 14 shoppers

Live Warzone Feed

The 2025 Forecast:
100% Chance of Pain.

Welcome to Flack Briday. Here, "Sorry" is a forbidden word and shopping carts are classified as blunt force weapons. Our analysts predict record-breaking levels of hysteria and regrettable financial decisions.

01

Flash Mob Defense

Learn to hold your ground against a stampede of deal-hungry grandmas. (Hint: Low center of gravity).
02

Advanced Camping

How to live in the electronics aisle for 3 weeks disguised as a display mannequin.
03

Tactical Retreat

Throw your wallet as a distraction and escape through the ceiling tiles. Survive to shop another day.

● Access Survival Guide

4,092

Credit Scores Ruined

87%

Relationships Ended

∞

Regret Generated

DOOMED

Current Mood

Store Loadout Configuration

Weaponize Your Wallet

Don't enter the retail arena unprotected. Select your class and dominating the queue lines.

NOOB

The Cannon Fodder

"I'm just looking for a candle."

$99 / paid in pennies

● Paper Map (Outdated)
● 1x Granola Bar (Crumbs)
● Thoughts & Prayers
× Medical Evac

★ Most Lethal ★

MK2

The Karen MK-II

"I want to speak to your regional director."

$199 / manager's tear

✓ Voice Amplifier (Scum Class)
✓ Expired Coupons (Infinite)
✓ Cart Ramming Spikes
✓ 'Live, Laugh, Loathe' Shirt

L33T

The Mall Ninja

While you studied the sales, I studied the blade.

$299 / crypto only

● Tactical Cargo Shorts (62 Pockets)
● 4x Energy Drinks
● Naruto Run Training
● Parental Pickup at 9pm

CONFIDENTIAL

Eyes Only // Level 5 Clearance

Tactical Intel

Leaked documents from the retail frontlines. Study them. Memorize them. Eat them if captured.

FILE_ID: 882-ALPHA

Operation: Shove

REDACTED physics calculations on how to bypass "Excuse me" etiquette entirely using momentum and indifference.

STATUS: LEAKED DOWNLOAD VIRUS ->

FILE_ID: 991-BRAVO

The Fake Price Tag

How to spot if that "70% OFF" sticker is stuck over a price that was actually LOWER last week.

STATUS: VERIFIED DECRYPT ->

FILE_ID: 666-MEDIC

Battlefield Trauma

The edge of a TV box is the sharpest matter in the universe. Treating cardboard cuts without crying.

STATUS: CRITICAL ACCESS FILES ->

SALE!

Final Warning

It's Now or Never

Your neighbor Dave is already lacing up his running shoes. Are you going to let Dave win?
Dave is weak. You are strong.

* We are not responsible for any impulse purchases of bread makers.

Veterans of '24

Meet the elite unit who survived last year's condiment aisle riot.

The Manager
Summoner

Voice Volume 110%

Patience -5%

Class: Karen (Elite)

"I drove here 45 minutes for this coupon."

Coupon
Sniper

Detection 98%

Speed 85%

Class: Recon

Can spot a pricing error from 3 aisles away using echo-location.

The
Blockade

Width XXX-L

Empathy 0%

Class: Tank

Master of the 'diagonal cart park' technique.

Total MAYHEM Everything Must Go!